how do you know how deep to go before its real?

no ones deep anymore.

why am i always crawling? not walking. why am i always falling? not getting up. well theres beauty in this all.
i had a dream last night i was laying in my bed and unable to speak. my body hurt so bad, it was covered in bruises and scratches. the room went black and i woke up.

if i dont believe in him, why would he believe in me?

 for once, i wish i didnt think so much. its over-rated now. i want to run. i want to run so far and not stop. maybe even make it out of this stupid town.
im so sick of being sick. and im so sick of no sleep or dreams.
i miss when everything was so simple.
i cant breathe.

i cant breathe.
from my veins and my feet i cant feel for the life of me.
and over and over you say itll be okay, i havnt grown since i found out
the little ties of love. the pressure on my chest says stay awake as
the stars smile from a thousand miles away.

i forget to feel until it pours from my eyes and turns my stomach
inside out. whats the use in this? stay with me tonight
and we can just dream. i wont look back if you dont look ahead.

time never stood so still.

i thought love was all i had felt. then i began so see i was actually alive. it came out from behind everything i had made it. uncaped and calm. love.

im looking for anything to make today go by without any stabs in the back. i've nearly killed myself trying not to fail life. am i a bad person? i want to sleep forever.

maybe everything i was looking for was right infront of me.
the weather gets me down most of the time. theres not much sun to shine but there are a couple smiles that do just that. i hate going to bed. because i hate the dark and hate not seeing familiar faces and i hate being alone. i hate being alone, more then anything. the only good part about going to sleep  is the excitment of knowing your going to live another day. then you dream.
goodnight

i took  a bit too much aderall the other day.  i wanted to calm my nerves and what not, thats all. and i believe they dont stress enough how much aderall can like, be bad. i was trying to sleep and had THE worst nightmares and was hallucinating. oh yeah, it was great. so at 3am in the morning i was youtubing hairstyes and make up it was all good. since ive been on it though, ive lost some weight and i guess it has demolished the fat around my wrist bones because they hurt liike hell and hit everything. and id write more about my physical troubles but honestly its just me bitching. BLAH.
ive hit the point in life where i just dont care what anyone thinks.

its impossible to write about nothing. and whenever i cant keep anything in it comes out awkward and unfamilair on paper.
i read songs i wrote from when i was 13 and 14, and it was so odd, because i couldnt write like that again if my life depended on it.

its "sorry, i was thinking out loud"

not "sorry, i was talking out loud."

its like, really? because thats the only way i believed you could talk, ya know. out loud. 
i hate noticing all the small little details of life.

thank god its vacation.
:)

i had a dream someone killed themselves but i cant remeber who it was.
it pissed me off so much today. who was it?


why is everyone so scared of being broken? thats what someone asked me in my dream.
good qeustion , i could debate the shit out of it.

i hate being serisous. life is the last of my worries. gettting things done is the first.
think about it.

what to say.

hey, i made it to 16. after a week of having dreams that i died the day before my birthday. things are finally getting out of the my head and in life.
the day after i turned 16 my grampy passed away. i had just seen him. not even and hour later and he was gone. it was so unreal. all unreal until my dad went up to the stand to say a prayer for grampy and was so close to being done and broke down into tears. ive never felt so sick. the reality that someone you loved so much, will  not be around anymore. up to the age of 11 i basically lived with my grandparents because mine parents couldnt deal with us quite yet. so this weekend and the next were helping my grandmother move, and myself.

i finally got out of school for the next few months of gross wether and into PATHS. fashion, oh goody. i can already feel my fingers getting accidently sewn together. its sick though, really cool. next year im doing music.
i've finally found some kids to start a band with. we'll see how it goes.
within the week i sent in for my lisence i got my date back. and im so rediculously excited to get my lisence. i've been meaning to clear my car off, its just so .... ugh. so there, moving myself soon and getting a new job. thank god. im trying to prepare myself for this year.



if i could bring the sun home, i'd bring it to my home with you. you've learned your purpose and set ours. the door from my many dreams was never closed, but open even when my eyes were not. i'd wait out a million years if it meant being able to tell you: thank you, and i love you. i've never felt so close to someone who is against the line of death and beyond. you loved me when no one else could, you taught me how to laugh when i couldnt walk. and for nothing in return. at all. i wish i could share this cold ocean day with you, you could see its beauty and life that you put in it for me to remember forever. i wish i could bring you back to feel that love again as you did with us, so we could once more see our grampy and have a best friend back, i've lost all and you, for now. for now.